if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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