what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
