i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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