you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i came on her dog
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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