so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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