My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
