i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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