I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish I could teleport
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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