If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
