Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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