She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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