sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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