It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize