Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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