Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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