well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
