i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
