i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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