im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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