Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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