we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
