I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
