rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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