apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize