Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize