if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
