I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
