I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
