I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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