so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
