Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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