On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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