May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
