there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
