P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i dont even know how to be here
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
