threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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