This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
