I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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