Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
