I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
