We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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