i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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