I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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