there's paper in my vomit.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
