Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
