Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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