In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
