He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize