I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
