I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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