Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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