Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
