she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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