I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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