new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
